Seven | Clothes (day 31)

Last day of clothing month! It will be fun to get to try on some maternity stuff and re-organize my closet for fall. Suzy and I are still nailing down the final plans for September, which is going to be a sort of Mercy Ministry month that involves the whole family. I'll go into more detail when we get started.
I am feeling about 15-20% better these past few days, which I am hoping means that my hormones are gradually starting to drop in preparation for the second trimester, which will be here in two weeks!
Yesterday I went through our budget and noticed an alarming amount of eating out expenses. When I filed those charges into their own category I was shocked to see that we spent $610 in the past 30 days on restaurants! This is a direct result of me spending zero time in grocery stores or the kitchen. Both places gross me out so much that I have avoided them almost altogether. Here's the thing, though: this development has been quite an insight into my heart.

(Here goes a really long explanation)

I am normally quite the opposite of how I've been behaving towards food lately. Two of my favorite places in the whole world have always been the grocery store and the kitchen. I think I mentioned once before how I waste a bunch of time and thoughts daydreaming about recipes and trying to come up with new ones. I obsess over health and veggies and eating non-junk (although cakes are probably my favorite thing to make- I justify them for special occasions). I've had a pretty good idea for about 6 months now that I am a jerk when it comes to this stuff. But lately, Nauseous Julie has replaced Regular Julie and I have been forced to see my current food choices for what they are: choices that Regular Julie would be oh-so judgemental and critical of. This has shown a brighter light into my heart and what my judgemental and self-righteous heart has really been thinking. Ugh.

(The following is going to sound critical and self-righteous because that's exactly what it is)

Casey and I love almost all foods and between us there is only one natural food we don't like (mushrooms). We've never been picky eaters. I guess what we are picky about is processed, fried, greasy foods, and I never count that as picky eating. When I'm not in this current stage of pregnancy, I cook a dinner from scratch almost every night and use tons of veggies and our kids happily eat whatever I prepare with minimal complaining. Well, over time I have gradually morphed into someone who feels superior when other people's kids complain about dinner or don't want to eat their zucchini, or are allowed to eat pop-tarts or sugary cereal or white bread for breakfast. Instead of simply making healthy choices for our family and leaving it at that, I complain when I'm not surrounded by healthy choices, I sometimes make comments about other people's choices for their families, and I definitely carry a general sense of criticism and self-righteousness about my eating habits everywhere I go. I am please with the fact that I know the nutrition facts and a gist of the ingredients on every item in my pantry and refrigerator because I don't buy anything without reading them. I know what Chick-fil-A puts in their icedream and how many calories and fat are in their regular sandwich vs grilled. As a general rule, I only drink water and skim milk, although once a month or so I'll have a glass of unsweetened herbal hot tea or mix a little juice in with my water. Basically, I'm a food snob. All these things are fine until I start thinking of myself and my food choices as superior to others... then we have a problem.

So, over the past 30 days I have been living an incredibly hypocritical life when it comes to food. Just to give you an idea, here are some of the choices Nauseous Julie has made lately. I went to Carolina Fine Foods yesterday while delivering meals on wheels, and I ordered a "plate" (includes fries) and a little cup of ranch dressing (plus two cups of ketchup) to dip them in. I went to Sam's Club, looking for some frozen foods I could whip out and heat up without being too grossed out, and came home with, among other horrible things, a box of individually wrapped "Southern Style" (aka Chick-fil-A imitation)chicken sandwiches. The ingredient list was like 50 items long! Those things taste amazing. I also bought Reeses Puffs cereal and chocolate milk! So you get the idea. Basically, I am breaking the Regular Julie standard all over the place and that is forcing me to examine my heart and see this ugly self-righteousness for what it is.

So in a month when I'm feeling good and loving the grocery store and kitchen again, how do I change and steer away from this hypocrisy and self-righteousness? Ugh, I wish it would be easy.

I'm afraid it's just like any other such sin. The food thing is just one tiny little area that happens to be big on my radar right now. Casey is so good at reminding me (this comes so much more naturally to him than to me) that we just don't have anything good in us. All our "goodness" is really filthy rags, and we have to let it go... we have to take it to the cross and leave it there. I'm embarassed to even call this food stuff "goodness" because that's so far from what it is, but the problem at hand here is that my heart wants to make it goodness. I want to believe and for others to believe that it's something wise and wonderful in me that makes me so, umm, obsessive about healthy choices. The food part is fine in and of itself, there's nothing wrong with making healthy choices. But it has very little to do with me, and the part that ends up bubbling up and getting in the way is pretty ugly.

So pray for me, if you think about it, and if you hear me making critical comments about food... by all means, tell me to please shut up! :)