Well, we're over halfway into possessions month, but I'll post about that at the end of the month instead of while we're in the middle of it. With all the giving away, it starts out easy and then gets harder as we run out of the stuff we were just gonna give to goodwill or sell on eBay anyway, and we start cutting into stuff we actually would like to keep! So to write on that now wouldn't be fair. It hasn't gotten hard enough yet. But I've been doing a bit of thinking this month and have been challenged a lot, which I really needed. Here are some of my compiled thoughts from the past few days, that I thought would be helpful to write down. Writing these things down helps my sin to feel more real to me because it's actually "out there".
As a Christian, my tendency is to live on a roller coaster. It seems particularly bad lately, but if I'm honest (ugh), I have to admit that this is how I have lived most of my life: feeling pretty dang good about myself on the "good" days, and feeling either apathetic or hateful towards myself during all the other days. And it's funny, whenever I'm at an extreme point on this roller coaster, I feel pretty confident that it'll stay exactly where it is for the rest of life. It's pretty crazy how quickly I lose touch with reality.
Martin Luther, in his 95 Theses, said, "When our Lord and Master Jesus Christ said, "Repent" (Mt 4:17), he willed the entire life of believers to be one of repentance." This is such a beautiful and freeing concept, and yet it's SO HARD to really live this way. The truth is, I don't WANT to have to repent over and over and over and over again, fifty times a day.
So I find myself in this same old cycle most of the time, and I get angry at myself for the roller coaster. Someone helpfully pointed out to me this month, when I was complaining about my sin, that my view of it is screwed up. I was expressing my frustration at myself for how I had treated someone I love, and I admitted that I am often hateful of myself for my actions. She oh-so-helpfully reminded me that the hate I have for myself over my sin (while, first of all, helping no one), simply shows my surprise for the state of my heart. And this reveals that deep down, I think I'm better than that. Deep down, I think I am okay and that my heart is more or less clean when things are going "well". Which, of course, means that I think I don't really need Jesus' blood ALL the time... surely not on my "good" days. I just get mad that the "bad" days seem to be what I have more and more, all the time. And she was so right! I really live like that.
Well, tonight as I was driving, I was thinking about all this stuff. Thinking about the roller coaster, and how my heart is full of unbelief that God could really think warmly of me or enjoy me. I may know that He does, but practically, I don't know it. I certainly don't live there. But it hit me as I was driving... my small children are so often making mistakes and having to be corrected. At their young ages, their days are often full of correction. And yet, Casey and I absolutely delight in them and they know it. We're not thinking, "Wow, so-and-so has really screwed it up this time. I am so sick of them never getting their act together!" Now, there of course is a touch of that at times, but for the most part we aren't dwelling on the little sins-- we're seeing them as the beautiful little creatures that they are: yes, fully sinful, but beautiful nonetheless because they're our children. And I'm pretty sure they have no concern whatsoever that we might not really like them because of their behavior and their (sometimes) constant need for corrections and adjustment of attitude. They are happy and satisfied in our love for them and they're secure knowing the delight we take in them. But I'm so far from that place. I constantly need correction and to have my attitude adjusted. But because of this roller coaster, I find myself in frustration. And the whole thing is just a big cloud of sin.
So here's my reminder for the week: Jesus loves me the way I love my precious 4-year-old, even though he is often naughty. Except He doesn't love me that way. He loves me infinitely more and He has no sin in His love for me. In thinking about all this I was reminded of Matthew 7:11- "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" I am an evil parent, and yet I absolutely delight in my children. God is a perfect Parent and He has covered every bit of my sin with His own blood, so that He actually can delight in me. But when I try to make my own self clean, I end up failing miserably every time. Only He can make me clean, and only He can love me, even more than I love my children. What a beautiful thought!
