Last day of clothing month! It will be fun to get to try on some maternity stuff and re-organize my closet for fall. Suzy and I are still nailing down the final plans for September, which is going to be a sort of Mercy Ministry month that involves the whole family. I'll go into more detail when we get started.
I am feeling about 15-20% better these past few days, which I am hoping means that my hormones are gradually starting to drop in preparation for the second trimester, which will be here in two weeks!
Yesterday I went through our budget and noticed an alarming amount of eating out expenses. When I filed those charges into their own category I was shocked to see that we spent $610 in the past 30 days on restaurants! This is a direct result of me spending zero time in grocery stores or the kitchen. Both places gross me out so much that I have avoided them almost altogether. Here's the thing, though: this development has been quite an insight into my heart.
(Here goes a really long explanation)
I am normally quite the opposite of how I've been behaving towards food lately. Two of my favorite places in the whole world have always been the grocery store and the kitchen. I think I mentioned once before how I waste a bunch of time and thoughts daydreaming about recipes and trying to come up with new ones. I obsess over health and veggies and eating non-junk (although cakes are probably my favorite thing to make- I justify them for special occasions). I've had a pretty good idea for about 6 months now that I am a jerk when it comes to this stuff. But lately, Nauseous Julie has replaced Regular Julie and I have been forced to see my current food choices for what they are: choices that Regular Julie would be oh-so judgemental and critical of. This has shown a brighter light into my heart and what my judgemental and self-righteous heart has really been thinking. Ugh.
(The following is going to sound critical and self-righteous because that's exactly what it is)
Casey and I love almost all foods and between us there is only one natural food we don't like (mushrooms). We've never been picky eaters. I guess what we are picky about is processed, fried, greasy foods, and I never count that as picky eating. When I'm not in this current stage of pregnancy, I cook a dinner from scratch almost every night and use tons of veggies and our kids happily eat whatever I prepare with minimal complaining. Well, over time I have gradually morphed into someone who feels superior when other people's kids complain about dinner or don't want to eat their zucchini, or are allowed to eat pop-tarts or sugary cereal or white bread for breakfast. Instead of simply making healthy choices for our family and leaving it at that, I complain when I'm not surrounded by healthy choices, I sometimes make comments about other people's choices for their families, and I definitely carry a general sense of criticism and self-righteousness about my eating habits everywhere I go. I am please with the fact that I know the nutrition facts and a gist of the ingredients on every item in my pantry and refrigerator because I don't buy anything without reading them. I know what Chick-fil-A puts in their icedream and how many calories and fat are in their regular sandwich vs grilled. As a general rule, I only drink water and skim milk, although once a month or so I'll have a glass of unsweetened herbal hot tea or mix a little juice in with my water. Basically, I'm a food snob. All these things are fine until I start thinking of myself and my food choices as superior to others... then we have a problem.
So, over the past 30 days I have been living an incredibly hypocritical life when it comes to food. Just to give you an idea, here are some of the choices Nauseous Julie has made lately. I went to Carolina Fine Foods yesterday while delivering meals on wheels, and I ordered a "plate" (includes fries) and a little cup of ranch dressing (plus two cups of ketchup) to dip them in. I went to Sam's Club, looking for some frozen foods I could whip out and heat up without being too grossed out, and came home with, among other horrible things, a box of individually wrapped "Southern Style" (aka Chick-fil-A imitation)chicken sandwiches. The ingredient list was like 50 items long! Those things taste amazing. I also bought Reeses Puffs cereal and chocolate milk! So you get the idea. Basically, I am breaking the Regular Julie standard all over the place and that is forcing me to examine my heart and see this ugly self-righteousness for what it is.
So in a month when I'm feeling good and loving the grocery store and kitchen again, how do I change and steer away from this hypocrisy and self-righteousness? Ugh, I wish it would be easy.
I'm afraid it's just like any other such sin. The food thing is just one tiny little area that happens to be big on my radar right now. Casey is so good at reminding me (this comes so much more naturally to him than to me) that we just don't have anything good in us. All our "goodness" is really filthy rags, and we have to let it go... we have to take it to the cross and leave it there. I'm embarassed to even call this food stuff "goodness" because that's so far from what it is, but the problem at hand here is that my heart wants to make it goodness. I want to believe and for others to believe that it's something wise and wonderful in me that makes me so, umm, obsessive about healthy choices. The food part is fine in and of itself, there's nothing wrong with making healthy choices. But it has very little to do with me, and the part that ends up bubbling up and getting in the way is pretty ugly.
So pray for me, if you think about it, and if you hear me making critical comments about food... by all means, tell me to please shut up! :)
Friday, August 31, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
Seven | Clothes (day 16)
Okay... we're halfway through clothing month and again, I have found myself thinking very little of it because I am distracted by the rest of life. This is nice, but not nearly as challenging as last month, when I couldn't go two hours without having to consciously practice self-denial. I pretty much want to wear my cozy Redeemer Softball t-shirt and stretchy black workout shorts every day anyway, so what's the big deal if I end up doing just that?
We decided to make an adjustment to our 7 Months. Due to my almost-constant state of nausea, I haven't been able to cook lately. Like, I don't know if I would be physically capable of whipping up a box of macaroni and cheese. Ok, that's an exaggeration... but I certainly don't FEEL like doing anything of the kind. The other day when Casey was about to leave work, I called him and asked him to do something I've never before asked and hopefully will never ask again: for him to stop by Bi-Lo on his way home and pick up a frozen lasagna. When he arrived.. (and he brought me flowers, too! He NEVER goes to the grocery store, so when he does I almost always get flowers because he associates going to the grocery store with picking up some flowers for his wife! What a sweetie I married.) Anyway, when he arrived, I sadly found out that frozen lasagna takes an hour and forty minutes to cook. He had brought a couple of frozen pizzas as well (I guess he figured now was his chance to get in on the whole frozen food thing!), and when I disappointedly gave up on the lasagna for dinner, he wondered why in the world I couldn't just eat some pizza. After all, he said, pizza and lasagna are practically the same thing! I about gagged and told him I could hardly stand to even say the word pizza, let alone cook and eat one! So that's how the nausea has been... which leads me back to our changes in this whole 7 program. I called Suzy (my dear friend and fellow 7 participant, who is in this thing with me through thick and thin), and expressed my concern about September, which is supposed to be spending month. That means no eating out, basically no spending any money anywhere other than bills, farmer's markets for food, and Wal-Mart for food and other necessities. I told her I was afraid about having to cook every day, since (although I'm ashamed to admit this and non-pregnant Julie would be judgemental and rude about it), I've been relying on fast food for more than half of my meals lately. I just can't make myself prepare anything... and by prepare I actually just mean anything other than warm in the microwave for 45 seconds. So, Suzy prayed about it and came up with a genius plan. We add a month to our 7 things. We move spending to January and tack on an extra month for September. Instead of spending, we made it family community service month, and we bring our kids (maybe minus the one year olds) to weekly service projects like serving meals to the homeless at a shelter downtown. So, I think that's the plan for now and we'll talk about other ways to incorporate more.
Which reminds me of something that's been on my mind today. Today the kids and I did our Meals on Wheels route and I was horrified by my attitude. We usually pray for good attitudes on the way to pick up the lunches and today my attitude on the way there was so bad that I had to practically force myself to pray out loud for a good attitude. Ugh. I realized as the day unfolded (and it was a long one!), how quickly I get frustrated when things don't go just my way. Like when a client fails to come to the door and we have to wait five minutes and go through the no-one-answered-the-door protocol when I'd rather just move right along and check this week's route off my list of Nice Things Julie Accomplished. Or when Caleb is "all done" with his juice, so he dumps the rest out into the cup holder of my car and I all but scream at him for making such a sticky mess... or when Mrs. so and so wants to talk forever and needs help because her water and phone service and cable TV service were all cut off today and we can't figure out why. And then, after feeling increasingly grouchy that I'm having to be inconvenienced, heaven forbid, while trying to "serve" these people, I am horrified to discover my children whining and fussing over who gets to carry the milk and who gets to carry the meal. I tell them so smoothly and easily, how and why their attitudes are wrong and remind them that it isn't about our comforts and getting what WE want, because we're serving our friends and not ourselves. And then I have to laugh inside when I suddenly get a glimpse of the hypocrite that I am, and start to realize that their attitudes are actually much better than mine. And unfortunately, my bad Meals on Wheels attitude is just as bad in the rest of my life. I wish I could blame it on pregnancy hormones or having to take progesterone every day (which I do believe is making me slightly crazy), but I just can't. Well, for one thing, this whole sin problem didn't begin with this pregnancy. These days, when I'm honest (and this is tough), it all comes down to the selfishness in my heart and my desire to be a) comfortable and b) liked. These two things have become such idols in my heart. And they're just the beginning. I'm learning, as Tim Keller says, that my heart is a factory that mass-produces idols. They can't be removed but they can be replaced...with the One who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. And thank goodness, He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Oh come quickly, Lord Jesus!
And this hymn I guess may seem pretty irrelevant at this moment because it's about deep suffering and that's not at all what's going on in my heart. But the more I learn about my hideous sin, the more I have to rest in the fact that Jesus knows it all. I daily fluctuate between despair and apathy over my sin, and the words to this hymn are beautiful because in those moments when I want to despair over seeing no progress or change in my heart, I can "look up, amid my sorrow, to Him who knows it all". He knows it all and forgives it all, as unbelieving as I often am that those words could possibly be true.
O heart bereaved and lonely,
Whose brightest dreams have fled
Whose hopes like summer roses,
Are withered crushed and dead
Though link by link be broken,
And tears unseen may fall
Look up amid thy sorrow,
To Him who knows it all
O cling to thy Redeemer,
Thy Savior, Brother, Friend
Believe and trust His promise,
To keep you till the end
O watch and wait with patience,
And question all you will
His arms of love and mercy,
Are round about thee still
Look up, the clouds are breaking,
The storm will soon be o'er
And thou shall reach the haven,
Where sorrows are no more
Look up, be not discouraged;
Trust on, whate'er befall
Remember, O remember,
Thy Savior knows it all
We decided to make an adjustment to our 7 Months. Due to my almost-constant state of nausea, I haven't been able to cook lately. Like, I don't know if I would be physically capable of whipping up a box of macaroni and cheese. Ok, that's an exaggeration... but I certainly don't FEEL like doing anything of the kind. The other day when Casey was about to leave work, I called him and asked him to do something I've never before asked and hopefully will never ask again: for him to stop by Bi-Lo on his way home and pick up a frozen lasagna. When he arrived.. (and he brought me flowers, too! He NEVER goes to the grocery store, so when he does I almost always get flowers because he associates going to the grocery store with picking up some flowers for his wife! What a sweetie I married.) Anyway, when he arrived, I sadly found out that frozen lasagna takes an hour and forty minutes to cook. He had brought a couple of frozen pizzas as well (I guess he figured now was his chance to get in on the whole frozen food thing!), and when I disappointedly gave up on the lasagna for dinner, he wondered why in the world I couldn't just eat some pizza. After all, he said, pizza and lasagna are practically the same thing! I about gagged and told him I could hardly stand to even say the word pizza, let alone cook and eat one! So that's how the nausea has been... which leads me back to our changes in this whole 7 program. I called Suzy (my dear friend and fellow 7 participant, who is in this thing with me through thick and thin), and expressed my concern about September, which is supposed to be spending month. That means no eating out, basically no spending any money anywhere other than bills, farmer's markets for food, and Wal-Mart for food and other necessities. I told her I was afraid about having to cook every day, since (although I'm ashamed to admit this and non-pregnant Julie would be judgemental and rude about it), I've been relying on fast food for more than half of my meals lately. I just can't make myself prepare anything... and by prepare I actually just mean anything other than warm in the microwave for 45 seconds. So, Suzy prayed about it and came up with a genius plan. We add a month to our 7 things. We move spending to January and tack on an extra month for September. Instead of spending, we made it family community service month, and we bring our kids (maybe minus the one year olds) to weekly service projects like serving meals to the homeless at a shelter downtown. So, I think that's the plan for now and we'll talk about other ways to incorporate more.
Which reminds me of something that's been on my mind today. Today the kids and I did our Meals on Wheels route and I was horrified by my attitude. We usually pray for good attitudes on the way to pick up the lunches and today my attitude on the way there was so bad that I had to practically force myself to pray out loud for a good attitude. Ugh. I realized as the day unfolded (and it was a long one!), how quickly I get frustrated when things don't go just my way. Like when a client fails to come to the door and we have to wait five minutes and go through the no-one-answered-the-door protocol when I'd rather just move right along and check this week's route off my list of Nice Things Julie Accomplished. Or when Caleb is "all done" with his juice, so he dumps the rest out into the cup holder of my car and I all but scream at him for making such a sticky mess... or when Mrs. so and so wants to talk forever and needs help because her water and phone service and cable TV service were all cut off today and we can't figure out why. And then, after feeling increasingly grouchy that I'm having to be inconvenienced, heaven forbid, while trying to "serve" these people, I am horrified to discover my children whining and fussing over who gets to carry the milk and who gets to carry the meal. I tell them so smoothly and easily, how and why their attitudes are wrong and remind them that it isn't about our comforts and getting what WE want, because we're serving our friends and not ourselves. And then I have to laugh inside when I suddenly get a glimpse of the hypocrite that I am, and start to realize that their attitudes are actually much better than mine. And unfortunately, my bad Meals on Wheels attitude is just as bad in the rest of my life. I wish I could blame it on pregnancy hormones or having to take progesterone every day (which I do believe is making me slightly crazy), but I just can't. Well, for one thing, this whole sin problem didn't begin with this pregnancy. These days, when I'm honest (and this is tough), it all comes down to the selfishness in my heart and my desire to be a) comfortable and b) liked. These two things have become such idols in my heart. And they're just the beginning. I'm learning, as Tim Keller says, that my heart is a factory that mass-produces idols. They can't be removed but they can be replaced...with the One who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. And thank goodness, He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Oh come quickly, Lord Jesus!
And this hymn I guess may seem pretty irrelevant at this moment because it's about deep suffering and that's not at all what's going on in my heart. But the more I learn about my hideous sin, the more I have to rest in the fact that Jesus knows it all. I daily fluctuate between despair and apathy over my sin, and the words to this hymn are beautiful because in those moments when I want to despair over seeing no progress or change in my heart, I can "look up, amid my sorrow, to Him who knows it all". He knows it all and forgives it all, as unbelieving as I often am that those words could possibly be true.
O heart bereaved and lonely,
Whose brightest dreams have fled
Whose hopes like summer roses,
Are withered crushed and dead
Though link by link be broken,
And tears unseen may fall
Look up amid thy sorrow,
To Him who knows it all
O cling to thy Redeemer,
Thy Savior, Brother, Friend
Believe and trust His promise,
To keep you till the end
O watch and wait with patience,
And question all you will
His arms of love and mercy,
Are round about thee still
Look up, the clouds are breaking,
The storm will soon be o'er
And thou shall reach the haven,
Where sorrows are no more
Look up, be not discouraged;
Trust on, whate'er befall
Remember, O remember,
Thy Savior knows it all
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Seven | Clothes (day 9)
We've gotten all the way to Day 9 of clothes month, and I must confess that I've spent very little time thinking about this whole 7 thing at all.. mainly I am just nauseous and miserable and most days I feel like I'm barely surviving. But I am very pleased with this development, as it seems like a good sign (I hope!) for the newest little sweetie coming along. My ultrasound is this coming Monday, and I'll be just over 7 weeks. It's funny being in this nauseous stage, how twisted my views of food start to be. I cannot even make myself think about those dreadful foods we ate last month. Last night someone asked me what they were and my stomach was angry with me for even naming them. During last month, it just didn't seem that hard. The food seemed rather delicious. Up until the last day, maybe, when the nausea started setting in. Now, even just imagining eating a bite of one of those sweet potato muffins that I thought were so great, makes me gag. Today I cooked a big dinner for my sister in law's birthday. It started out fun, but the more I thought about the food, the harder it got to keep going. I was making some of my favorite things: chicken parmesan, french baguettes, salad, broccoli and a new recipe for a 4-layer cake filled with mixed berries and a whipped cream frosting. When the cake came out of the oven, I was completely disgusted by the smell of it.(Sweets have always been gross to me in the first trimester, but trust me, I more than make up for that in the next two!) In fact, I was so grossed out that I briefly considered throwing all four layers in the trash and just buying a cake that I wouldn't have to assemble. By the time I was pulling the chicken parmesan out of the oven, I wondered if I had perhaps ruined my liking for it forever. So I decided I'd better take it easy in the kitchen for awhile. I'm thankful that we're doing clothes this month instead of spending, because I'm afraid we may be buying already-prepared food an awful lot this month.
I have to confess two ways I have cheated on clothes this month. Well, I had picked out maternity jeans as one of my articles of clothing, in an attempt to be comfortable during a time of icky nausea. These particular maternity jeans were a terrible choice because they have this front panel that only goes up about 3/4, so it ends up digging into the top of your stomach.. not really what you're going for when you're just trying not to throw up in the first place. So I keep the panel rolled down. On Sunday, I chose jeans and one of my two "nice" t-shirts to wear to church. I glanced in the mirror before leaving and realized that the maternity panel that was rolled down was clearly showing because my cheap-material shirt, after having been washed almost every day this month, has shrunk. SO, I decided to add a long cami to my wardrobe, calling it "underwear". Ok so that's the first bit of cheating. The second is worse. Yesterday I wore those jeans again and was continually frustrated because when I roll down the panel, there's nothing holding the pants up and I am constantly pulling on them and adjusting... otherwise they gradually slide down. SO, today I swapped out those jeans for some good old non-maternity baggy jeans. Or maybe they used to be baggy, before I grew in the tummy so fast that I suddenly started looking 3 months pregnant! Somehow I justified this whole swap thing with the fact that I'm too nauseous to deal with jeans that either press uncomfortably on a nauseous tummy or constantly threaten to fall down and cause me to flash people. I know, I should have worked these things out in July, but oh well. Hopefully this will be my last time using the pregnancy to cheat!
I have to confess two ways I have cheated on clothes this month. Well, I had picked out maternity jeans as one of my articles of clothing, in an attempt to be comfortable during a time of icky nausea. These particular maternity jeans were a terrible choice because they have this front panel that only goes up about 3/4, so it ends up digging into the top of your stomach.. not really what you're going for when you're just trying not to throw up in the first place. So I keep the panel rolled down. On Sunday, I chose jeans and one of my two "nice" t-shirts to wear to church. I glanced in the mirror before leaving and realized that the maternity panel that was rolled down was clearly showing because my cheap-material shirt, after having been washed almost every day this month, has shrunk. SO, I decided to add a long cami to my wardrobe, calling it "underwear". Ok so that's the first bit of cheating. The second is worse. Yesterday I wore those jeans again and was continually frustrated because when I roll down the panel, there's nothing holding the pants up and I am constantly pulling on them and adjusting... otherwise they gradually slide down. SO, today I swapped out those jeans for some good old non-maternity baggy jeans. Or maybe they used to be baggy, before I grew in the tummy so fast that I suddenly started looking 3 months pregnant! Somehow I justified this whole swap thing with the fact that I'm too nauseous to deal with jeans that either press uncomfortably on a nauseous tummy or constantly threaten to fall down and cause me to flash people. I know, I should have worked these things out in July, but oh well. Hopefully this will be my last time using the pregnancy to cheat!
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