Okay... we're halfway through clothing month and again, I have found myself thinking very little of it because I am distracted by the rest of life. This is nice, but not nearly as challenging as last month, when I couldn't go two hours without having to consciously practice self-denial. I pretty much want to wear my cozy Redeemer Softball t-shirt and stretchy black workout shorts every day anyway, so what's the big deal if I end up doing just that?
We decided to make an adjustment to our 7 Months. Due to my almost-constant state of nausea, I haven't been able to cook lately. Like, I don't know if I would be physically capable of whipping up a box of macaroni and cheese. Ok, that's an exaggeration... but I certainly don't FEEL like doing anything of the kind. The other day when Casey was about to leave work, I called him and asked him to do something I've never before asked and hopefully will never ask again: for him to stop by Bi-Lo on his way home and pick up a frozen lasagna. When he arrived.. (and he brought me flowers, too! He NEVER goes to the grocery store, so when he does I almost always get flowers because he associates going to the grocery store with picking up some flowers for his wife! What a sweetie I married.) Anyway, when he arrived, I sadly found out that frozen lasagna takes an hour and forty minutes to cook. He had brought a couple of frozen pizzas as well (I guess he figured now was his chance to get in on the whole frozen food thing!), and when I disappointedly gave up on the lasagna for dinner, he wondered why in the world I couldn't just eat some pizza. After all, he said, pizza and lasagna are practically the same thing! I about gagged and told him I could hardly stand to even say the word pizza, let alone cook and eat one! So that's how the nausea has been... which leads me back to our changes in this whole 7 program. I called Suzy (my dear friend and fellow 7 participant, who is in this thing with me through thick and thin), and expressed my concern about September, which is supposed to be spending month. That means no eating out, basically no spending any money anywhere other than bills, farmer's markets for food, and Wal-Mart for food and other necessities. I told her I was afraid about having to cook every day, since (although I'm ashamed to admit this and non-pregnant Julie would be judgemental and rude about it), I've been relying on fast food for more than half of my meals lately. I just can't make myself prepare anything... and by prepare I actually just mean anything other than warm in the microwave for 45 seconds. So, Suzy prayed about it and came up with a genius plan. We add a month to our 7 things. We move spending to January and tack on an extra month for September. Instead of spending, we made it family community service month, and we bring our kids (maybe minus the one year olds) to weekly service projects like serving meals to the homeless at a shelter downtown. So, I think that's the plan for now and we'll talk about other ways to incorporate more.
Which reminds me of something that's been on my mind today. Today the kids and I did our Meals on Wheels route and I was horrified by my attitude. We usually pray for good attitudes on the way to pick up the lunches and today my attitude on the way there was so bad that I had to practically force myself to pray out loud for a good attitude. Ugh. I realized as the day unfolded (and it was a long one!), how quickly I get frustrated when things don't go just my way. Like when a client fails to come to the door and we have to wait five minutes and go through the no-one-answered-the-door protocol when I'd rather just move right along and check this week's route off my list of Nice Things Julie Accomplished. Or when Caleb is "all done" with his juice, so he dumps the rest out into the cup holder of my car and I all but scream at him for making such a sticky mess... or when Mrs. so and so wants to talk forever and needs help because her water and phone service and cable TV service were all cut off today and we can't figure out why. And then, after feeling increasingly grouchy that I'm having to be inconvenienced, heaven forbid, while trying to "serve" these people, I am horrified to discover my children whining and fussing over who gets to carry the milk and who gets to carry the meal. I tell them so smoothly and easily, how and why their attitudes are wrong and remind them that it isn't about our comforts and getting what WE want, because we're serving our friends and not ourselves. And then I have to laugh inside when I suddenly get a glimpse of the hypocrite that I am, and start to realize that their attitudes are actually much better than mine. And unfortunately, my bad Meals on Wheels attitude is just as bad in the rest of my life. I wish I could blame it on pregnancy hormones or having to take progesterone every day (which I do believe is making me slightly crazy), but I just can't. Well, for one thing, this whole sin problem didn't begin with this pregnancy. These days, when I'm honest (and this is tough), it all comes down to the selfishness in my heart and my desire to be a) comfortable and b) liked. These two things have become such idols in my heart. And they're just the beginning. I'm learning, as Tim Keller says, that my heart is a factory that mass-produces idols. They can't be removed but they can be replaced...with the One who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. And thank goodness, He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Oh come quickly, Lord Jesus!
And this hymn I guess may seem pretty irrelevant at this moment because it's about deep suffering and that's not at all what's going on in my heart. But the more I learn about my hideous sin, the more I have to rest in the fact that Jesus knows it all. I daily fluctuate between despair and apathy over my sin, and the words to this hymn are beautiful because in those moments when I want to despair over seeing no progress or change in my heart, I can "look up, amid my sorrow, to Him who knows it all". He knows it all and forgives it all, as unbelieving as I often am that those words could possibly be true.
O heart bereaved and lonely,
Whose brightest dreams have fled
Whose hopes like summer roses,
Are withered crushed and dead
Though link by link be broken,
And tears unseen may fall
Look up amid thy sorrow,
To Him who knows it all
O cling to thy Redeemer,
Thy Savior, Brother, Friend
Believe and trust His promise,
To keep you till the end
O watch and wait with patience,
And question all you will
His arms of love and mercy,
Are round about thee still
Look up, the clouds are breaking,
The storm will soon be o'er
And thou shall reach the haven,
Where sorrows are no more
Look up, be not discouraged;
Trust on, whate'er befall
Remember, O remember,
Thy Savior knows it all
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