Well, we're over halfway into possessions month, but I'll post about that at the end of the month instead of while we're in the middle of it. With all the giving away, it starts out easy and then gets harder as we run out of the stuff we were just gonna give to goodwill or sell on eBay anyway, and we start cutting into stuff we actually would like to keep! So to write on that now wouldn't be fair. It hasn't gotten hard enough yet. But I've been doing a bit of thinking this month and have been challenged a lot, which I really needed. Here are some of my compiled thoughts from the past few days, that I thought would be helpful to write down. Writing these things down helps my sin to feel more real to me because it's actually "out there".
As a Christian, my tendency is to live on a roller coaster. It seems particularly bad lately, but if I'm honest (ugh), I have to admit that this is how I have lived most of my life: feeling pretty dang good about myself on the "good" days, and feeling either apathetic or hateful towards myself during all the other days. And it's funny, whenever I'm at an extreme point on this roller coaster, I feel pretty confident that it'll stay exactly where it is for the rest of life. It's pretty crazy how quickly I lose touch with reality.
Martin Luther, in his 95 Theses, said, "When our Lord and Master Jesus Christ said, "Repent" (Mt 4:17), he willed the entire life of believers to be one of repentance." This is such a beautiful and freeing concept, and yet it's SO HARD to really live this way. The truth is, I don't WANT to have to repent over and over and over and over again, fifty times a day.
So I find myself in this same old cycle most of the time, and I get angry at myself for the roller coaster. Someone helpfully pointed out to me this month, when I was complaining about my sin, that my view of it is screwed up. I was expressing my frustration at myself for how I had treated someone I love, and I admitted that I am often hateful of myself for my actions. She oh-so-helpfully reminded me that the hate I have for myself over my sin (while, first of all, helping no one), simply shows my surprise for the state of my heart. And this reveals that deep down, I think I'm better than that. Deep down, I think I am okay and that my heart is more or less clean when things are going "well". Which, of course, means that I think I don't really need Jesus' blood ALL the time... surely not on my "good" days. I just get mad that the "bad" days seem to be what I have more and more, all the time. And she was so right! I really live like that.
Well, tonight as I was driving, I was thinking about all this stuff. Thinking about the roller coaster, and how my heart is full of unbelief that God could really think warmly of me or enjoy me. I may know that He does, but practically, I don't know it. I certainly don't live there. But it hit me as I was driving... my small children are so often making mistakes and having to be corrected. At their young ages, their days are often full of correction. And yet, Casey and I absolutely delight in them and they know it. We're not thinking, "Wow, so-and-so has really screwed it up this time. I am so sick of them never getting their act together!" Now, there of course is a touch of that at times, but for the most part we aren't dwelling on the little sins-- we're seeing them as the beautiful little creatures that they are: yes, fully sinful, but beautiful nonetheless because they're our children. And I'm pretty sure they have no concern whatsoever that we might not really like them because of their behavior and their (sometimes) constant need for corrections and adjustment of attitude. They are happy and satisfied in our love for them and they're secure knowing the delight we take in them. But I'm so far from that place. I constantly need correction and to have my attitude adjusted. But because of this roller coaster, I find myself in frustration. And the whole thing is just a big cloud of sin.
So here's my reminder for the week: Jesus loves me the way I love my precious 4-year-old, even though he is often naughty. Except He doesn't love me that way. He loves me infinitely more and He has no sin in His love for me. In thinking about all this I was reminded of Matthew 7:11- "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" I am an evil parent, and yet I absolutely delight in my children. God is a perfect Parent and He has covered every bit of my sin with His own blood, so that He actually can delight in me. But when I try to make my own self clean, I end up failing miserably every time. Only He can make me clean, and only He can love me, even more than I love my children. What a beautiful thought!
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
ill with want
My goodness, it has been a long time since I sat down to write a post on here. I guess a lot of the reason for the long absence is that 7 hasn't been on my mind as much as it probably should be. I guess I should do a brief update on what we've done. For September, we decided to forgo the spending month because I was too sick to cook for the most part. I'm so glad we made that decision because my nausea lingered longer than I expected it to, and I've still only cooked three, maybe four decent (meaning all or mostly from scratch/not something boxed or frozen) meals for my family since the nausea began in the beginning of August. So we did what we called "mercy ministry" month, although I'm afraid it looked a whole lot like a regular month. When October began, little Bennett was just getting out of the hospital (he was only there a few days...nothing serious thankfully) and I was in the middle of a whirlwind week. I was grieving for a dear friend and her children in the sudden loss of their husband/daddy, and then our family immediately made the trip to PA to celebrate my sister's wedding with my family. Before Suzy and I even felt like we had a spare minute to talk it through, it was October 9th and we made the decision to skip "waste month". It was the one we felt the least convicted by, which made the decision easier. We both already recycle pretty faithfully and although we could do better on the buying locally, we have vastly improved and hopefully will continue to do so without a month set aside for it. We also felt like waste month, for us, overlapped some with posessions month and spending month, because our main problem in having too much stuff to fill up the landfills is by buying and having too much stuff! And, taking a break in October gives us a rest in what has already been a wild month.
For November, we're doing "possessions month". I'm excited about this one because my heart badly needs it. The deal is, we give away 7 items every day. We may change the setup, but for now we are going to split it up this way: I give away 3 things a day (I have the biggest sin problem with possessions), Casey gives away 2, and Maggie and Caleb each give away one item per day. The idea is that you aren't giving away junk but prayerfully consider items that you don't need and give them to those who could benefit from them. Obviously getting rid of junk is fine to do on the side, though! Very exciting. I wish I could say I thought it would be super challenging, but the honest truth is that we have accumulated so many things in our greed that we should be able to give away 7 things a day without batting an eye.
...Which leads me to some serious and rather grim thoughts. I've read three Tim Keller books this year and he talks a bit about greed. In one of them, "Counterfeit Gods", which I highly recommend, he goes into a lot of oh-so-convicting detail about the state of our hearts and what a big role greed often plays, whether we think of it as sin or not. Here's a quick quote:
"Jesus warns people far more often about greed than about sex, yet almost no one thinks they are guilty of it. Therefore we should all begin with a working hypothesis that "this could easily be a problem for me." If greed hides itself so deeply, no one should be confident that it is not a problem for them. How can we recognize and become free from the power of money to blind us?"
Keller goes on to discuss how blind we can be to the power of money to blind us, and he makes a lot of points that I had never thought of. Anyway, I'm increasingly aware of this horrible problem that I have. Some days I'm completely content to justify my desire for more and better things, and other days I see it for more of what it actually is.
Casey and I really enjoy listening to the Avett Brothers' music and my favorite song they sing is one that convicts me every time I hear it. I don't know if they're Christians and all the lyrics don't make perfect sense, but the gist of it is pretty awesome. In fact, I find myself having to sing it in my head when I'm shopping and I start humming it when I feel the need to buy something I don't need. This beautiful song is called "Ill With Want". Unfortunately, it could have been written about me. Here are a few of the lyrics.
I am sick with wanting
And it's evil and it's daunting
How I let everything I cherish lay to waste
I am lost in greed this time, it's definitely me
I point fingers but there's no one there to blame
I need for something
No, let me break it down again
I need for something
But not more medicine
I am sick with wanting
And it's evil how it's got me
And everyday is worse than the one before
The more I have the more I think:
I'm almost where I need to be
If only I could get a little more
I need for something
Now let me break it down again
I need for something
But not more medicine
Something has me (Something has me)
Oh something has me (Something has me)
Acting like someone I don't wanna be
Something has me (Something has me)
Oh something has me (Something has me)
Acting like someone I know isn't me
Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed
Temporary is my time
Ain't nothin on this world that's mine
Except the will I found to carry on
Free is not your right to choose
It's answering what's asked of you
To give the love you find until it's gone
I need for something
Now let me break it down again
I need for something
But not more medicine
Something has me (Something has me)
Oh something has me (Something has me)
Acting like someone I don't wanna be
Something has me (Something has me)
Oh something has me (Something has me)
Acting like someone I know isn't me
Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed
Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed
Since all that greed talk is kind of vague, here's an example of what I really mean. First of all, it's easy for me to talk about my sin as a vague problem, which kinda means it doesn't really hurt anyone and it's not really a struggle and really I'm doing pretty well on my own and don't need any help. Ha ha ha. But the harder part is sharing the real problems, the deeper parts of my heart. And one thing I've learned this year is about sharing those deep, dark places... I've learned that, although I really don't want to share such things because I just want people to like me and think I'm doing a "good job"... confessing sin brings healing. So here's my example.
I have a great car. It's got almost 200,000 miles on it (had about 100k when we got it) and although I'm afraid every imaginable type of liquid has been spilled inside it, it's never given me a problem and it's been great. Had it almost four years. It's an SUV that technically seats 7, although the back seat usually stays folded down to make room for groceries, and really only kiddos can sit in the back row because their legs are nice and short.
Well, I planned on keeping this lovely car a long time, but here lately I've started thinking about the inconveniences of having to wait for kids to climb over the seats to get to the back (heaven forbid I might have to stand there and wait and extra 20 seconds), and the general cramped feel of it when we have the seats full (no room for a stroller), the fact that they sometimes bang things while opening the doors, etc... and I started to dream about the lovely conveniences of a minivan.. especially in light of baby #4 coming in 5-ish months. I started to kind of nag Casey about it and I began thinking about it a lot... and so it was that the plan of purchasing a used minivan came to occupy way too many of my thoughts.
Now, it'd be one thing if my humble plan was to sell my car and then spend that money or at least a similar amount on a used minivan. But my spoiled and snobby self (ugh, I don't like to think of myself as snobby, but read on and you'll see) couldn't settle for just any minivan. I didn't want an American made one... in fact, the only one I thought was "pretty" enough just happens to be the MOST expensive kind and the one that doesn't seem lose its value at ALL except for miles put on it, so buying a used one is easily double the price of a similar American made van. Ok, not that there's anything wrong with buying a well-made, long-lasting Honda Odyssey. But because my current car (although it's kinda old) has leather seats and a GPS/backup camera, why should I have to stoop and buy an Odyssey without those things? Aren't we supposed to be "moving up" with every purchase here, people? Well, that's the way my silly mind and heart work.
So I finally talked Casey into just going with me to the Honda dealership, not to buy anything but so that I could actually climb into one of these coveted minivans that I'd only ever seen photos of. We had a great time. We test drove a beauty of an Odyssey (it was 2 years old... way newer than we really planned on buying) and oohed and ahhed over all the fun and convenient little features (like the built in fridge, trash bag, DVD player, and how the seats can fold flat into the ground as if they were never even there). So it sure was fun, but this van cost way more than we ever planned on spending on any car, ever. We went to get some dinner afterwards and talked it all over and it hit me so clearly how silly I had been. I have a car that runs perfectly, that holds all my babies, that even has extra fancy features that NOBODY NEEDS. And yet I had convinced myself that it would be a good idea to sell it and spend that money (times at least 2) to buy something else.
And again, it's not that there's something wrong with getting a minivan. Or more specifically, a Honda Odyssey Touring Edition. But in my case, right now, for my heart... it's just greed. It's me wanting something nicer because something nicer and more convenient and more suited to my pampered life is available. Sure, maybe sometime after the new baby comes we'll decide it's a good time to get one. But now I know that I certainly don't NEED it. Not even close.
Plus, I always said I had to be 30 before I was old enough to have a minivan, and that doesn't happen for another year. :)
For November, we're doing "possessions month". I'm excited about this one because my heart badly needs it. The deal is, we give away 7 items every day. We may change the setup, but for now we are going to split it up this way: I give away 3 things a day (I have the biggest sin problem with possessions), Casey gives away 2, and Maggie and Caleb each give away one item per day. The idea is that you aren't giving away junk but prayerfully consider items that you don't need and give them to those who could benefit from them. Obviously getting rid of junk is fine to do on the side, though! Very exciting. I wish I could say I thought it would be super challenging, but the honest truth is that we have accumulated so many things in our greed that we should be able to give away 7 things a day without batting an eye.
...Which leads me to some serious and rather grim thoughts. I've read three Tim Keller books this year and he talks a bit about greed. In one of them, "Counterfeit Gods", which I highly recommend, he goes into a lot of oh-so-convicting detail about the state of our hearts and what a big role greed often plays, whether we think of it as sin or not. Here's a quick quote:
"Jesus warns people far more often about greed than about sex, yet almost no one thinks they are guilty of it. Therefore we should all begin with a working hypothesis that "this could easily be a problem for me." If greed hides itself so deeply, no one should be confident that it is not a problem for them. How can we recognize and become free from the power of money to blind us?"
Keller goes on to discuss how blind we can be to the power of money to blind us, and he makes a lot of points that I had never thought of. Anyway, I'm increasingly aware of this horrible problem that I have. Some days I'm completely content to justify my desire for more and better things, and other days I see it for more of what it actually is.
Casey and I really enjoy listening to the Avett Brothers' music and my favorite song they sing is one that convicts me every time I hear it. I don't know if they're Christians and all the lyrics don't make perfect sense, but the gist of it is pretty awesome. In fact, I find myself having to sing it in my head when I'm shopping and I start humming it when I feel the need to buy something I don't need. This beautiful song is called "Ill With Want". Unfortunately, it could have been written about me. Here are a few of the lyrics.
I am sick with wanting
And it's evil and it's daunting
How I let everything I cherish lay to waste
I am lost in greed this time, it's definitely me
I point fingers but there's no one there to blame
I need for something
No, let me break it down again
I need for something
But not more medicine
I am sick with wanting
And it's evil how it's got me
And everyday is worse than the one before
The more I have the more I think:
I'm almost where I need to be
If only I could get a little more
I need for something
Now let me break it down again
I need for something
But not more medicine
Something has me (Something has me)
Oh something has me (Something has me)
Acting like someone I don't wanna be
Something has me (Something has me)
Oh something has me (Something has me)
Acting like someone I know isn't me
Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed
Temporary is my time
Ain't nothin on this world that's mine
Except the will I found to carry on
Free is not your right to choose
It's answering what's asked of you
To give the love you find until it's gone
I need for something
Now let me break it down again
I need for something
But not more medicine
Something has me (Something has me)
Oh something has me (Something has me)
Acting like someone I don't wanna be
Something has me (Something has me)
Oh something has me (Something has me)
Acting like someone I know isn't me
Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed
Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed
Since all that greed talk is kind of vague, here's an example of what I really mean. First of all, it's easy for me to talk about my sin as a vague problem, which kinda means it doesn't really hurt anyone and it's not really a struggle and really I'm doing pretty well on my own and don't need any help. Ha ha ha. But the harder part is sharing the real problems, the deeper parts of my heart. And one thing I've learned this year is about sharing those deep, dark places... I've learned that, although I really don't want to share such things because I just want people to like me and think I'm doing a "good job"... confessing sin brings healing. So here's my example.
I have a great car. It's got almost 200,000 miles on it (had about 100k when we got it) and although I'm afraid every imaginable type of liquid has been spilled inside it, it's never given me a problem and it's been great. Had it almost four years. It's an SUV that technically seats 7, although the back seat usually stays folded down to make room for groceries, and really only kiddos can sit in the back row because their legs are nice and short.
Well, I planned on keeping this lovely car a long time, but here lately I've started thinking about the inconveniences of having to wait for kids to climb over the seats to get to the back (heaven forbid I might have to stand there and wait and extra 20 seconds), and the general cramped feel of it when we have the seats full (no room for a stroller), the fact that they sometimes bang things while opening the doors, etc... and I started to dream about the lovely conveniences of a minivan.. especially in light of baby #4 coming in 5-ish months. I started to kind of nag Casey about it and I began thinking about it a lot... and so it was that the plan of purchasing a used minivan came to occupy way too many of my thoughts.
Now, it'd be one thing if my humble plan was to sell my car and then spend that money or at least a similar amount on a used minivan. But my spoiled and snobby self (ugh, I don't like to think of myself as snobby, but read on and you'll see) couldn't settle for just any minivan. I didn't want an American made one... in fact, the only one I thought was "pretty" enough just happens to be the MOST expensive kind and the one that doesn't seem lose its value at ALL except for miles put on it, so buying a used one is easily double the price of a similar American made van. Ok, not that there's anything wrong with buying a well-made, long-lasting Honda Odyssey. But because my current car (although it's kinda old) has leather seats and a GPS/backup camera, why should I have to stoop and buy an Odyssey without those things? Aren't we supposed to be "moving up" with every purchase here, people? Well, that's the way my silly mind and heart work.
So I finally talked Casey into just going with me to the Honda dealership, not to buy anything but so that I could actually climb into one of these coveted minivans that I'd only ever seen photos of. We had a great time. We test drove a beauty of an Odyssey (it was 2 years old... way newer than we really planned on buying) and oohed and ahhed over all the fun and convenient little features (like the built in fridge, trash bag, DVD player, and how the seats can fold flat into the ground as if they were never even there). So it sure was fun, but this van cost way more than we ever planned on spending on any car, ever. We went to get some dinner afterwards and talked it all over and it hit me so clearly how silly I had been. I have a car that runs perfectly, that holds all my babies, that even has extra fancy features that NOBODY NEEDS. And yet I had convinced myself that it would be a good idea to sell it and spend that money (times at least 2) to buy something else.
And again, it's not that there's something wrong with getting a minivan. Or more specifically, a Honda Odyssey Touring Edition. But in my case, right now, for my heart... it's just greed. It's me wanting something nicer because something nicer and more convenient and more suited to my pampered life is available. Sure, maybe sometime after the new baby comes we'll decide it's a good time to get one. But now I know that I certainly don't NEED it. Not even close.
Plus, I always said I had to be 30 before I was old enough to have a minivan, and that doesn't happen for another year. :)
Friday, August 31, 2012
Seven | Clothes (day 31)
Last day of clothing month! It will be fun to get to try on some maternity stuff and re-organize my closet for fall. Suzy and I are still nailing down the final plans for September, which is going to be a sort of Mercy Ministry month that involves the whole family. I'll go into more detail when we get started.
I am feeling about 15-20% better these past few days, which I am hoping means that my hormones are gradually starting to drop in preparation for the second trimester, which will be here in two weeks!
Yesterday I went through our budget and noticed an alarming amount of eating out expenses. When I filed those charges into their own category I was shocked to see that we spent $610 in the past 30 days on restaurants! This is a direct result of me spending zero time in grocery stores or the kitchen. Both places gross me out so much that I have avoided them almost altogether. Here's the thing, though: this development has been quite an insight into my heart.
(Here goes a really long explanation)
I am normally quite the opposite of how I've been behaving towards food lately. Two of my favorite places in the whole world have always been the grocery store and the kitchen. I think I mentioned once before how I waste a bunch of time and thoughts daydreaming about recipes and trying to come up with new ones. I obsess over health and veggies and eating non-junk (although cakes are probably my favorite thing to make- I justify them for special occasions). I've had a pretty good idea for about 6 months now that I am a jerk when it comes to this stuff. But lately, Nauseous Julie has replaced Regular Julie and I have been forced to see my current food choices for what they are: choices that Regular Julie would be oh-so judgemental and critical of. This has shown a brighter light into my heart and what my judgemental and self-righteous heart has really been thinking. Ugh.
(The following is going to sound critical and self-righteous because that's exactly what it is)
Casey and I love almost all foods and between us there is only one natural food we don't like (mushrooms). We've never been picky eaters. I guess what we are picky about is processed, fried, greasy foods, and I never count that as picky eating. When I'm not in this current stage of pregnancy, I cook a dinner from scratch almost every night and use tons of veggies and our kids happily eat whatever I prepare with minimal complaining. Well, over time I have gradually morphed into someone who feels superior when other people's kids complain about dinner or don't want to eat their zucchini, or are allowed to eat pop-tarts or sugary cereal or white bread for breakfast. Instead of simply making healthy choices for our family and leaving it at that, I complain when I'm not surrounded by healthy choices, I sometimes make comments about other people's choices for their families, and I definitely carry a general sense of criticism and self-righteousness about my eating habits everywhere I go. I am please with the fact that I know the nutrition facts and a gist of the ingredients on every item in my pantry and refrigerator because I don't buy anything without reading them. I know what Chick-fil-A puts in their icedream and how many calories and fat are in their regular sandwich vs grilled. As a general rule, I only drink water and skim milk, although once a month or so I'll have a glass of unsweetened herbal hot tea or mix a little juice in with my water. Basically, I'm a food snob. All these things are fine until I start thinking of myself and my food choices as superior to others... then we have a problem.
So, over the past 30 days I have been living an incredibly hypocritical life when it comes to food. Just to give you an idea, here are some of the choices Nauseous Julie has made lately. I went to Carolina Fine Foods yesterday while delivering meals on wheels, and I ordered a "plate" (includes fries) and a little cup of ranch dressing (plus two cups of ketchup) to dip them in. I went to Sam's Club, looking for some frozen foods I could whip out and heat up without being too grossed out, and came home with, among other horrible things, a box of individually wrapped "Southern Style" (aka Chick-fil-A imitation)chicken sandwiches. The ingredient list was like 50 items long! Those things taste amazing. I also bought Reeses Puffs cereal and chocolate milk! So you get the idea. Basically, I am breaking the Regular Julie standard all over the place and that is forcing me to examine my heart and see this ugly self-righteousness for what it is.
So in a month when I'm feeling good and loving the grocery store and kitchen again, how do I change and steer away from this hypocrisy and self-righteousness? Ugh, I wish it would be easy.
I'm afraid it's just like any other such sin. The food thing is just one tiny little area that happens to be big on my radar right now. Casey is so good at reminding me (this comes so much more naturally to him than to me) that we just don't have anything good in us. All our "goodness" is really filthy rags, and we have to let it go... we have to take it to the cross and leave it there. I'm embarassed to even call this food stuff "goodness" because that's so far from what it is, but the problem at hand here is that my heart wants to make it goodness. I want to believe and for others to believe that it's something wise and wonderful in me that makes me so, umm, obsessive about healthy choices. The food part is fine in and of itself, there's nothing wrong with making healthy choices. But it has very little to do with me, and the part that ends up bubbling up and getting in the way is pretty ugly.
So pray for me, if you think about it, and if you hear me making critical comments about food... by all means, tell me to please shut up! :)
I am feeling about 15-20% better these past few days, which I am hoping means that my hormones are gradually starting to drop in preparation for the second trimester, which will be here in two weeks!
Yesterday I went through our budget and noticed an alarming amount of eating out expenses. When I filed those charges into their own category I was shocked to see that we spent $610 in the past 30 days on restaurants! This is a direct result of me spending zero time in grocery stores or the kitchen. Both places gross me out so much that I have avoided them almost altogether. Here's the thing, though: this development has been quite an insight into my heart.
(Here goes a really long explanation)
I am normally quite the opposite of how I've been behaving towards food lately. Two of my favorite places in the whole world have always been the grocery store and the kitchen. I think I mentioned once before how I waste a bunch of time and thoughts daydreaming about recipes and trying to come up with new ones. I obsess over health and veggies and eating non-junk (although cakes are probably my favorite thing to make- I justify them for special occasions). I've had a pretty good idea for about 6 months now that I am a jerk when it comes to this stuff. But lately, Nauseous Julie has replaced Regular Julie and I have been forced to see my current food choices for what they are: choices that Regular Julie would be oh-so judgemental and critical of. This has shown a brighter light into my heart and what my judgemental and self-righteous heart has really been thinking. Ugh.
(The following is going to sound critical and self-righteous because that's exactly what it is)
Casey and I love almost all foods and between us there is only one natural food we don't like (mushrooms). We've never been picky eaters. I guess what we are picky about is processed, fried, greasy foods, and I never count that as picky eating. When I'm not in this current stage of pregnancy, I cook a dinner from scratch almost every night and use tons of veggies and our kids happily eat whatever I prepare with minimal complaining. Well, over time I have gradually morphed into someone who feels superior when other people's kids complain about dinner or don't want to eat their zucchini, or are allowed to eat pop-tarts or sugary cereal or white bread for breakfast. Instead of simply making healthy choices for our family and leaving it at that, I complain when I'm not surrounded by healthy choices, I sometimes make comments about other people's choices for their families, and I definitely carry a general sense of criticism and self-righteousness about my eating habits everywhere I go. I am please with the fact that I know the nutrition facts and a gist of the ingredients on every item in my pantry and refrigerator because I don't buy anything without reading them. I know what Chick-fil-A puts in their icedream and how many calories and fat are in their regular sandwich vs grilled. As a general rule, I only drink water and skim milk, although once a month or so I'll have a glass of unsweetened herbal hot tea or mix a little juice in with my water. Basically, I'm a food snob. All these things are fine until I start thinking of myself and my food choices as superior to others... then we have a problem.
So, over the past 30 days I have been living an incredibly hypocritical life when it comes to food. Just to give you an idea, here are some of the choices Nauseous Julie has made lately. I went to Carolina Fine Foods yesterday while delivering meals on wheels, and I ordered a "plate" (includes fries) and a little cup of ranch dressing (plus two cups of ketchup) to dip them in. I went to Sam's Club, looking for some frozen foods I could whip out and heat up without being too grossed out, and came home with, among other horrible things, a box of individually wrapped "Southern Style" (aka Chick-fil-A imitation)chicken sandwiches. The ingredient list was like 50 items long! Those things taste amazing. I also bought Reeses Puffs cereal and chocolate milk! So you get the idea. Basically, I am breaking the Regular Julie standard all over the place and that is forcing me to examine my heart and see this ugly self-righteousness for what it is.
So in a month when I'm feeling good and loving the grocery store and kitchen again, how do I change and steer away from this hypocrisy and self-righteousness? Ugh, I wish it would be easy.
I'm afraid it's just like any other such sin. The food thing is just one tiny little area that happens to be big on my radar right now. Casey is so good at reminding me (this comes so much more naturally to him than to me) that we just don't have anything good in us. All our "goodness" is really filthy rags, and we have to let it go... we have to take it to the cross and leave it there. I'm embarassed to even call this food stuff "goodness" because that's so far from what it is, but the problem at hand here is that my heart wants to make it goodness. I want to believe and for others to believe that it's something wise and wonderful in me that makes me so, umm, obsessive about healthy choices. The food part is fine in and of itself, there's nothing wrong with making healthy choices. But it has very little to do with me, and the part that ends up bubbling up and getting in the way is pretty ugly.
So pray for me, if you think about it, and if you hear me making critical comments about food... by all means, tell me to please shut up! :)
Friday, August 17, 2012
Seven | Clothes (day 16)
Okay... we're halfway through clothing month and again, I have found myself thinking very little of it because I am distracted by the rest of life. This is nice, but not nearly as challenging as last month, when I couldn't go two hours without having to consciously practice self-denial. I pretty much want to wear my cozy Redeemer Softball t-shirt and stretchy black workout shorts every day anyway, so what's the big deal if I end up doing just that?
We decided to make an adjustment to our 7 Months. Due to my almost-constant state of nausea, I haven't been able to cook lately. Like, I don't know if I would be physically capable of whipping up a box of macaroni and cheese. Ok, that's an exaggeration... but I certainly don't FEEL like doing anything of the kind. The other day when Casey was about to leave work, I called him and asked him to do something I've never before asked and hopefully will never ask again: for him to stop by Bi-Lo on his way home and pick up a frozen lasagna. When he arrived.. (and he brought me flowers, too! He NEVER goes to the grocery store, so when he does I almost always get flowers because he associates going to the grocery store with picking up some flowers for his wife! What a sweetie I married.) Anyway, when he arrived, I sadly found out that frozen lasagna takes an hour and forty minutes to cook. He had brought a couple of frozen pizzas as well (I guess he figured now was his chance to get in on the whole frozen food thing!), and when I disappointedly gave up on the lasagna for dinner, he wondered why in the world I couldn't just eat some pizza. After all, he said, pizza and lasagna are practically the same thing! I about gagged and told him I could hardly stand to even say the word pizza, let alone cook and eat one! So that's how the nausea has been... which leads me back to our changes in this whole 7 program. I called Suzy (my dear friend and fellow 7 participant, who is in this thing with me through thick and thin), and expressed my concern about September, which is supposed to be spending month. That means no eating out, basically no spending any money anywhere other than bills, farmer's markets for food, and Wal-Mart for food and other necessities. I told her I was afraid about having to cook every day, since (although I'm ashamed to admit this and non-pregnant Julie would be judgemental and rude about it), I've been relying on fast food for more than half of my meals lately. I just can't make myself prepare anything... and by prepare I actually just mean anything other than warm in the microwave for 45 seconds. So, Suzy prayed about it and came up with a genius plan. We add a month to our 7 things. We move spending to January and tack on an extra month for September. Instead of spending, we made it family community service month, and we bring our kids (maybe minus the one year olds) to weekly service projects like serving meals to the homeless at a shelter downtown. So, I think that's the plan for now and we'll talk about other ways to incorporate more.
Which reminds me of something that's been on my mind today. Today the kids and I did our Meals on Wheels route and I was horrified by my attitude. We usually pray for good attitudes on the way to pick up the lunches and today my attitude on the way there was so bad that I had to practically force myself to pray out loud for a good attitude. Ugh. I realized as the day unfolded (and it was a long one!), how quickly I get frustrated when things don't go just my way. Like when a client fails to come to the door and we have to wait five minutes and go through the no-one-answered-the-door protocol when I'd rather just move right along and check this week's route off my list of Nice Things Julie Accomplished. Or when Caleb is "all done" with his juice, so he dumps the rest out into the cup holder of my car and I all but scream at him for making such a sticky mess... or when Mrs. so and so wants to talk forever and needs help because her water and phone service and cable TV service were all cut off today and we can't figure out why. And then, after feeling increasingly grouchy that I'm having to be inconvenienced, heaven forbid, while trying to "serve" these people, I am horrified to discover my children whining and fussing over who gets to carry the milk and who gets to carry the meal. I tell them so smoothly and easily, how and why their attitudes are wrong and remind them that it isn't about our comforts and getting what WE want, because we're serving our friends and not ourselves. And then I have to laugh inside when I suddenly get a glimpse of the hypocrite that I am, and start to realize that their attitudes are actually much better than mine. And unfortunately, my bad Meals on Wheels attitude is just as bad in the rest of my life. I wish I could blame it on pregnancy hormones or having to take progesterone every day (which I do believe is making me slightly crazy), but I just can't. Well, for one thing, this whole sin problem didn't begin with this pregnancy. These days, when I'm honest (and this is tough), it all comes down to the selfishness in my heart and my desire to be a) comfortable and b) liked. These two things have become such idols in my heart. And they're just the beginning. I'm learning, as Tim Keller says, that my heart is a factory that mass-produces idols. They can't be removed but they can be replaced...with the One who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. And thank goodness, He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Oh come quickly, Lord Jesus!
And this hymn I guess may seem pretty irrelevant at this moment because it's about deep suffering and that's not at all what's going on in my heart. But the more I learn about my hideous sin, the more I have to rest in the fact that Jesus knows it all. I daily fluctuate between despair and apathy over my sin, and the words to this hymn are beautiful because in those moments when I want to despair over seeing no progress or change in my heart, I can "look up, amid my sorrow, to Him who knows it all". He knows it all and forgives it all, as unbelieving as I often am that those words could possibly be true.
O heart bereaved and lonely,
Whose brightest dreams have fled
Whose hopes like summer roses,
Are withered crushed and dead
Though link by link be broken,
And tears unseen may fall
Look up amid thy sorrow,
To Him who knows it all
O cling to thy Redeemer,
Thy Savior, Brother, Friend
Believe and trust His promise,
To keep you till the end
O watch and wait with patience,
And question all you will
His arms of love and mercy,
Are round about thee still
Look up, the clouds are breaking,
The storm will soon be o'er
And thou shall reach the haven,
Where sorrows are no more
Look up, be not discouraged;
Trust on, whate'er befall
Remember, O remember,
Thy Savior knows it all
We decided to make an adjustment to our 7 Months. Due to my almost-constant state of nausea, I haven't been able to cook lately. Like, I don't know if I would be physically capable of whipping up a box of macaroni and cheese. Ok, that's an exaggeration... but I certainly don't FEEL like doing anything of the kind. The other day when Casey was about to leave work, I called him and asked him to do something I've never before asked and hopefully will never ask again: for him to stop by Bi-Lo on his way home and pick up a frozen lasagna. When he arrived.. (and he brought me flowers, too! He NEVER goes to the grocery store, so when he does I almost always get flowers because he associates going to the grocery store with picking up some flowers for his wife! What a sweetie I married.) Anyway, when he arrived, I sadly found out that frozen lasagna takes an hour and forty minutes to cook. He had brought a couple of frozen pizzas as well (I guess he figured now was his chance to get in on the whole frozen food thing!), and when I disappointedly gave up on the lasagna for dinner, he wondered why in the world I couldn't just eat some pizza. After all, he said, pizza and lasagna are practically the same thing! I about gagged and told him I could hardly stand to even say the word pizza, let alone cook and eat one! So that's how the nausea has been... which leads me back to our changes in this whole 7 program. I called Suzy (my dear friend and fellow 7 participant, who is in this thing with me through thick and thin), and expressed my concern about September, which is supposed to be spending month. That means no eating out, basically no spending any money anywhere other than bills, farmer's markets for food, and Wal-Mart for food and other necessities. I told her I was afraid about having to cook every day, since (although I'm ashamed to admit this and non-pregnant Julie would be judgemental and rude about it), I've been relying on fast food for more than half of my meals lately. I just can't make myself prepare anything... and by prepare I actually just mean anything other than warm in the microwave for 45 seconds. So, Suzy prayed about it and came up with a genius plan. We add a month to our 7 things. We move spending to January and tack on an extra month for September. Instead of spending, we made it family community service month, and we bring our kids (maybe minus the one year olds) to weekly service projects like serving meals to the homeless at a shelter downtown. So, I think that's the plan for now and we'll talk about other ways to incorporate more.
Which reminds me of something that's been on my mind today. Today the kids and I did our Meals on Wheels route and I was horrified by my attitude. We usually pray for good attitudes on the way to pick up the lunches and today my attitude on the way there was so bad that I had to practically force myself to pray out loud for a good attitude. Ugh. I realized as the day unfolded (and it was a long one!), how quickly I get frustrated when things don't go just my way. Like when a client fails to come to the door and we have to wait five minutes and go through the no-one-answered-the-door protocol when I'd rather just move right along and check this week's route off my list of Nice Things Julie Accomplished. Or when Caleb is "all done" with his juice, so he dumps the rest out into the cup holder of my car and I all but scream at him for making such a sticky mess... or when Mrs. so and so wants to talk forever and needs help because her water and phone service and cable TV service were all cut off today and we can't figure out why. And then, after feeling increasingly grouchy that I'm having to be inconvenienced, heaven forbid, while trying to "serve" these people, I am horrified to discover my children whining and fussing over who gets to carry the milk and who gets to carry the meal. I tell them so smoothly and easily, how and why their attitudes are wrong and remind them that it isn't about our comforts and getting what WE want, because we're serving our friends and not ourselves. And then I have to laugh inside when I suddenly get a glimpse of the hypocrite that I am, and start to realize that their attitudes are actually much better than mine. And unfortunately, my bad Meals on Wheels attitude is just as bad in the rest of my life. I wish I could blame it on pregnancy hormones or having to take progesterone every day (which I do believe is making me slightly crazy), but I just can't. Well, for one thing, this whole sin problem didn't begin with this pregnancy. These days, when I'm honest (and this is tough), it all comes down to the selfishness in my heart and my desire to be a) comfortable and b) liked. These two things have become such idols in my heart. And they're just the beginning. I'm learning, as Tim Keller says, that my heart is a factory that mass-produces idols. They can't be removed but they can be replaced...with the One who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. And thank goodness, He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Oh come quickly, Lord Jesus!
And this hymn I guess may seem pretty irrelevant at this moment because it's about deep suffering and that's not at all what's going on in my heart. But the more I learn about my hideous sin, the more I have to rest in the fact that Jesus knows it all. I daily fluctuate between despair and apathy over my sin, and the words to this hymn are beautiful because in those moments when I want to despair over seeing no progress or change in my heart, I can "look up, amid my sorrow, to Him who knows it all". He knows it all and forgives it all, as unbelieving as I often am that those words could possibly be true.
O heart bereaved and lonely,
Whose brightest dreams have fled
Whose hopes like summer roses,
Are withered crushed and dead
Though link by link be broken,
And tears unseen may fall
Look up amid thy sorrow,
To Him who knows it all
O cling to thy Redeemer,
Thy Savior, Brother, Friend
Believe and trust His promise,
To keep you till the end
O watch and wait with patience,
And question all you will
His arms of love and mercy,
Are round about thee still
Look up, the clouds are breaking,
The storm will soon be o'er
And thou shall reach the haven,
Where sorrows are no more
Look up, be not discouraged;
Trust on, whate'er befall
Remember, O remember,
Thy Savior knows it all
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Seven | Clothes (day 9)
We've gotten all the way to Day 9 of clothes month, and I must confess that I've spent very little time thinking about this whole 7 thing at all.. mainly I am just nauseous and miserable and most days I feel like I'm barely surviving. But I am very pleased with this development, as it seems like a good sign (I hope!) for the newest little sweetie coming along. My ultrasound is this coming Monday, and I'll be just over 7 weeks. It's funny being in this nauseous stage, how twisted my views of food start to be. I cannot even make myself think about those dreadful foods we ate last month. Last night someone asked me what they were and my stomach was angry with me for even naming them. During last month, it just didn't seem that hard. The food seemed rather delicious. Up until the last day, maybe, when the nausea started setting in. Now, even just imagining eating a bite of one of those sweet potato muffins that I thought were so great, makes me gag. Today I cooked a big dinner for my sister in law's birthday. It started out fun, but the more I thought about the food, the harder it got to keep going. I was making some of my favorite things: chicken parmesan, french baguettes, salad, broccoli and a new recipe for a 4-layer cake filled with mixed berries and a whipped cream frosting. When the cake came out of the oven, I was completely disgusted by the smell of it.(Sweets have always been gross to me in the first trimester, but trust me, I more than make up for that in the next two!) In fact, I was so grossed out that I briefly considered throwing all four layers in the trash and just buying a cake that I wouldn't have to assemble. By the time I was pulling the chicken parmesan out of the oven, I wondered if I had perhaps ruined my liking for it forever. So I decided I'd better take it easy in the kitchen for awhile. I'm thankful that we're doing clothes this month instead of spending, because I'm afraid we may be buying already-prepared food an awful lot this month.
I have to confess two ways I have cheated on clothes this month. Well, I had picked out maternity jeans as one of my articles of clothing, in an attempt to be comfortable during a time of icky nausea. These particular maternity jeans were a terrible choice because they have this front panel that only goes up about 3/4, so it ends up digging into the top of your stomach.. not really what you're going for when you're just trying not to throw up in the first place. So I keep the panel rolled down. On Sunday, I chose jeans and one of my two "nice" t-shirts to wear to church. I glanced in the mirror before leaving and realized that the maternity panel that was rolled down was clearly showing because my cheap-material shirt, after having been washed almost every day this month, has shrunk. SO, I decided to add a long cami to my wardrobe, calling it "underwear". Ok so that's the first bit of cheating. The second is worse. Yesterday I wore those jeans again and was continually frustrated because when I roll down the panel, there's nothing holding the pants up and I am constantly pulling on them and adjusting... otherwise they gradually slide down. SO, today I swapped out those jeans for some good old non-maternity baggy jeans. Or maybe they used to be baggy, before I grew in the tummy so fast that I suddenly started looking 3 months pregnant! Somehow I justified this whole swap thing with the fact that I'm too nauseous to deal with jeans that either press uncomfortably on a nauseous tummy or constantly threaten to fall down and cause me to flash people. I know, I should have worked these things out in July, but oh well. Hopefully this will be my last time using the pregnancy to cheat!
I have to confess two ways I have cheated on clothes this month. Well, I had picked out maternity jeans as one of my articles of clothing, in an attempt to be comfortable during a time of icky nausea. These particular maternity jeans were a terrible choice because they have this front panel that only goes up about 3/4, so it ends up digging into the top of your stomach.. not really what you're going for when you're just trying not to throw up in the first place. So I keep the panel rolled down. On Sunday, I chose jeans and one of my two "nice" t-shirts to wear to church. I glanced in the mirror before leaving and realized that the maternity panel that was rolled down was clearly showing because my cheap-material shirt, after having been washed almost every day this month, has shrunk. SO, I decided to add a long cami to my wardrobe, calling it "underwear". Ok so that's the first bit of cheating. The second is worse. Yesterday I wore those jeans again and was continually frustrated because when I roll down the panel, there's nothing holding the pants up and I am constantly pulling on them and adjusting... otherwise they gradually slide down. SO, today I swapped out those jeans for some good old non-maternity baggy jeans. Or maybe they used to be baggy, before I grew in the tummy so fast that I suddenly started looking 3 months pregnant! Somehow I justified this whole swap thing with the fact that I'm too nauseous to deal with jeans that either press uncomfortably on a nauseous tummy or constantly threaten to fall down and cause me to flash people. I know, I should have worked these things out in July, but oh well. Hopefully this will be my last time using the pregnancy to cheat!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Seven | Food (day 31)
Well, here we are. Our last day of our first month of Seven. Our perceptives on food have definitely been altered! In the past few days Casey and I have talked through some of the changes we've noticed in ourselves over the past month. I wish I could say they were more drastic and that we'd never again take what we have for granted, or complain, or waste another bite of food. I'm sure all that will not be the case. But what we have noticed is how thankful we've felt for the food that we have... I've been so happy and grateful that those seven foods can combine to make some incredibly tasty items. There's something so refreshing about not having every option available to us. It really makes you grateful! I don't know for sure, but I suspect that I will be less likely to stress over every meal being just perfect and having all the right ingredients. I've become pretty dang resourceful over the past month and I hope that continues.. using what we have and making something delicious out of it. That should help a lot with keeping food from going to waste as well.
But honestly, what I've noticed more than anything is how far my heart is from where it ought to be. I've been irritable and grouchy with my family and friends, impatient with my children, and I've really come to the end of myself in "fixing" those problems. Daily, I have to beg Jesus to work in my heart and change me... to help me get through the day loving those around me. I'm constantly at war with myself, fighting against my self-centered and prideful heart...really hating what I see in myself. Most days I feel pretty overwhelmed in this spiritual battle. Most mornings I find myself failing at loving my family before breakfast is even on the table. But as I continue to fail over and over throughout the day, He reminds me that He's there. He knew I'd be this way. He's not surprised by my sin and He's not finished with me yet. And best of all, "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." (2 Cor 5:21) Oh, what happy news that is to me!
It's funny thinking of today being our last day in this limited diet. It's pretty awesome timing, if you ask me, because yesterday and today are the first days I've been nauseous in this pregnancy (which, by the way, is still kind of a secret, I guess. I know that makes very little sense since I am publicly writing about it. I don't plan on many people reading this, so I figure what the heck, I may as well speak freely on here. It helps me. But I'm not ready to annouce it to everyone, say, on facebook just yet)... and I'm getting to the point where it's sometimes hard to think of something that sounds tasty to eat. And I'm pretty sure that if and when this turns into regular old pregnancy nausea, black beans and spinach would start getting old in a hurry. As far as little baby goes, my HCG numbers came back looking great last week and I'm scheduled for ultrasounds both this Friday and next. Even if everything is normal this time around, we probably won't be able to get a heartbeat until next Friday, when I'll be almost 7 weeks.
Which brings me to the next topic: Seven Month Two! I've gotten all my little articles of clothing ready, and each are stretchy and cozy to make room for some possible growth and, if nothing else, some nausea and that feeling of not wanting anything pressing on the tummy. I had a hard time deciding whether to include a swimsuit, but ultimately decided it wasn't worth wasting an item. And most of the time at the pool I sit on the steps playing with Bennett anyway, so I'll just wear a top and shorts. Here's what I chose:
-my Redeemer softball t-shirt from a few years ago (very cozy and loose)
-a stretchy black pair of workout shorts that are oh so comfy
-a red v-neck slub cotton t-shirt that can be casual or slightly dressy
-a stretchy black skirt from Target
-a navy blue slub cotton elbow length sleeve cotton tshirt.. also could be kinda dressy
-a pair of (don't laugh) maternity jeans that are a size smaller than I'd normally wear, so they fit like regular jeans right now except are cozy in the waist
-a long, loose racerback workout top
Another hard choice was the shoes. We had to pick two pairs. Obviously I had to choose running shoes (don't worry though, I'm not running for at least another month or two), and I was torn between red sandals and reef flip flops. I chose the sandals and I hope it proves to be the right choice! I just wanted a way to have a slightly dressy outfit, and they match my red shirt so perfectly.. I couldn't resist :)
And now, a picture to sum up our first month. I bought this 3-liter jug of olive oil at Sam's towards the end of week 1. Not sure how we managed to guzzle the whole bottle, but we did. I hope it's as good for you as they say!
But honestly, what I've noticed more than anything is how far my heart is from where it ought to be. I've been irritable and grouchy with my family and friends, impatient with my children, and I've really come to the end of myself in "fixing" those problems. Daily, I have to beg Jesus to work in my heart and change me... to help me get through the day loving those around me. I'm constantly at war with myself, fighting against my self-centered and prideful heart...really hating what I see in myself. Most days I feel pretty overwhelmed in this spiritual battle. Most mornings I find myself failing at loving my family before breakfast is even on the table. But as I continue to fail over and over throughout the day, He reminds me that He's there. He knew I'd be this way. He's not surprised by my sin and He's not finished with me yet. And best of all, "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." (2 Cor 5:21) Oh, what happy news that is to me!
It's funny thinking of today being our last day in this limited diet. It's pretty awesome timing, if you ask me, because yesterday and today are the first days I've been nauseous in this pregnancy (which, by the way, is still kind of a secret, I guess. I know that makes very little sense since I am publicly writing about it. I don't plan on many people reading this, so I figure what the heck, I may as well speak freely on here. It helps me. But I'm not ready to annouce it to everyone, say, on facebook just yet)... and I'm getting to the point where it's sometimes hard to think of something that sounds tasty to eat. And I'm pretty sure that if and when this turns into regular old pregnancy nausea, black beans and spinach would start getting old in a hurry. As far as little baby goes, my HCG numbers came back looking great last week and I'm scheduled for ultrasounds both this Friday and next. Even if everything is normal this time around, we probably won't be able to get a heartbeat until next Friday, when I'll be almost 7 weeks.
Which brings me to the next topic: Seven Month Two! I've gotten all my little articles of clothing ready, and each are stretchy and cozy to make room for some possible growth and, if nothing else, some nausea and that feeling of not wanting anything pressing on the tummy. I had a hard time deciding whether to include a swimsuit, but ultimately decided it wasn't worth wasting an item. And most of the time at the pool I sit on the steps playing with Bennett anyway, so I'll just wear a top and shorts. Here's what I chose:
-my Redeemer softball t-shirt from a few years ago (very cozy and loose)
-a stretchy black pair of workout shorts that are oh so comfy
-a red v-neck slub cotton t-shirt that can be casual or slightly dressy
-a stretchy black skirt from Target
-a navy blue slub cotton elbow length sleeve cotton tshirt.. also could be kinda dressy
-a pair of (don't laugh) maternity jeans that are a size smaller than I'd normally wear, so they fit like regular jeans right now except are cozy in the waist
-a long, loose racerback workout top
Another hard choice was the shoes. We had to pick two pairs. Obviously I had to choose running shoes (don't worry though, I'm not running for at least another month or two), and I was torn between red sandals and reef flip flops. I chose the sandals and I hope it proves to be the right choice! I just wanted a way to have a slightly dressy outfit, and they match my red shirt so perfectly.. I couldn't resist :)
And now, a picture to sum up our first month. I bought this 3-liter jug of olive oil at Sam's towards the end of week 1. Not sure how we managed to guzzle the whole bottle, but we did. I hope it's as good for you as they say!
Monday, July 23, 2012
Seven | Food (day 23)
July is moving right along and we only have eight days left of food month! Here's something I've been amazed by during this month. I think I mentioned a week or two ago, how during this fast, God had given us a lot to pray for. That was true for that week and it has continued on and on... There are always people on my prayer list, but this month, God has just poured situation after situation into my life that requires prayer. Some are dear friends who are going through tremendous amounts of pain, and others are people I've never met.. but one way or another, God has placed these situations in front of me and I am learning to pray.
As far as food goes, we've tried some delicious new recipes: my brother came up with an amazing black bean sweet potato burger recipe that I've made twice now. They're so good topped with avocado! I've been making spinach omelettes for breakfast every morning (with avocado tucked inside afterwards), and have just about perfected roasting chickens and then making the most heavenly broth for soup. Who really needs spices anyway? Ha.
Been thinking a lot about next month (clothes!) and trying to decide what to choose for the 7 items. I'm hoping it will be difficult to choose. Here's why: I'm about 4 weeks pregnant and I'm hoping this pregnancy will continue, so that I'll need to carefully select my 7 articles of clothing to be comfortable and not clingy around the tummy (those weeks 5-9 are so icky and nauseating that even if I'm not showing yet, I can't stand anything tight. But since this is my fourth kid, I'm pretty sure by week 9 I will be oh so ready for some maternity clothes!) I'm reluctant to be excited or confident about this pregnancy because of the miscarriages we've had in the past, including two early losses this year. This is my eighth (!) time finding out about a pregnancy, so I haven't really felt like telling people about it. It feels like I've announced pregnancy after pregnancy after pregnancy... and like I drag everyone I tell into this place, only to disappoint them in a few days or weeks with sad news. And yet, one thing I've learned about myself through these losses is that it feels relieving and comforting to me for people to just know. Keeping it all private somehow seems like a harder road to me. So there it is...here we are on a roller coaster that we've become pretty used to. But Jesus is so faithful and good and He sees the big picture when all we can see is a tiny little dot.
a favorite Anne Steele hymn:
You raise Your hands to still the storms
That rage inside my head
Revive my heart with gratitude
Love quell my doubt and dread
Give me a pure and rested soul
From every fear relief
The Spirit's power and presence mine
To ever comfort me.
As far as food goes, we've tried some delicious new recipes: my brother came up with an amazing black bean sweet potato burger recipe that I've made twice now. They're so good topped with avocado! I've been making spinach omelettes for breakfast every morning (with avocado tucked inside afterwards), and have just about perfected roasting chickens and then making the most heavenly broth for soup. Who really needs spices anyway? Ha.
Been thinking a lot about next month (clothes!) and trying to decide what to choose for the 7 items. I'm hoping it will be difficult to choose. Here's why: I'm about 4 weeks pregnant and I'm hoping this pregnancy will continue, so that I'll need to carefully select my 7 articles of clothing to be comfortable and not clingy around the tummy (those weeks 5-9 are so icky and nauseating that even if I'm not showing yet, I can't stand anything tight. But since this is my fourth kid, I'm pretty sure by week 9 I will be oh so ready for some maternity clothes!) I'm reluctant to be excited or confident about this pregnancy because of the miscarriages we've had in the past, including two early losses this year. This is my eighth (!) time finding out about a pregnancy, so I haven't really felt like telling people about it. It feels like I've announced pregnancy after pregnancy after pregnancy... and like I drag everyone I tell into this place, only to disappoint them in a few days or weeks with sad news. And yet, one thing I've learned about myself through these losses is that it feels relieving and comforting to me for people to just know. Keeping it all private somehow seems like a harder road to me. So there it is...here we are on a roller coaster that we've become pretty used to. But Jesus is so faithful and good and He sees the big picture when all we can see is a tiny little dot.
a favorite Anne Steele hymn:
You raise Your hands to still the storms
That rage inside my head
Revive my heart with gratitude
Love quell my doubt and dread
Give me a pure and rested soul
From every fear relief
The Spirit's power and presence mine
To ever comfort me.
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