ill with want

My goodness, it has been a long time since I sat down to write a post on here. I guess a lot of the reason for the long absence is that 7 hasn't been on my mind as much as it probably should be. I guess I should do a brief update on what we've done. For September, we decided to forgo the spending month because I was too sick to cook for the most part. I'm so glad we made that decision because my nausea lingered longer than I expected it to, and I've still only cooked three, maybe four decent (meaning all or mostly from scratch/not something boxed or frozen) meals for my family since the nausea began in the beginning of August. So we did what we called "mercy ministry" month, although I'm afraid it looked a whole lot like a regular month. When October began, little Bennett was just getting out of the hospital (he was only there a few days...nothing serious thankfully) and I was in the middle of a whirlwind week. I was grieving for a dear friend and her children in the sudden loss of their husband/daddy, and then our family immediately made the trip to PA to celebrate my sister's wedding with my family. Before Suzy and I even felt like we had a spare minute to talk it through, it was October 9th and we made the decision to skip "waste month". It was the one we felt the least convicted by, which made the decision easier. We both already recycle pretty faithfully and although we could do better on the buying locally, we have vastly improved and hopefully will continue to do so without a month set aside for it. We also felt like waste month, for us, overlapped some with posessions month and spending month, because our main problem in having too much stuff to fill up the landfills is by buying and having too much stuff! And, taking a break in October gives us a rest in what has already been a wild month.

For November, we're doing "possessions month". I'm excited about this one because my heart badly needs it. The deal is, we give away 7 items every day. We may change the setup, but for now we are going to split it up this way: I give away 3 things a day (I have the biggest sin problem with possessions), Casey gives away 2, and Maggie and Caleb each give away one item per day. The idea is that you aren't giving away junk but prayerfully consider items that you don't need and give them to those who could benefit from them. Obviously getting rid of junk is fine to do on the side, though! Very exciting. I wish I could say I thought it would be super challenging, but the honest truth is that we have accumulated so many things in our greed that we should be able to give away 7 things a day without batting an eye.

...Which leads me to some serious and rather grim thoughts. I've read three Tim Keller books this year and he talks a bit about greed. In one of them, "Counterfeit Gods", which I highly recommend, he goes into a lot of oh-so-convicting detail about the state of our hearts and what a big role greed often plays, whether we think of it as sin or not. Here's a quick quote:

"Jesus warns people far more often about greed than about sex, yet almost no one thinks they are guilty of it. Therefore we should all begin with a working hypothesis that "this could easily be a problem for me." If greed hides itself so deeply, no one should be confident that it is not a problem for them. How can we recognize and become free from the power of money to blind us?"

Keller goes on to discuss how blind we can be to the power of money to blind us, and he makes a lot of points that I had never thought of. Anyway, I'm increasingly aware of this horrible problem that I have. Some days I'm completely content to justify my desire for more and better things, and other days I see it for more of what it actually is.

Casey and I really enjoy listening to the Avett Brothers' music and my favorite song they sing is one that convicts me every time I hear it. I don't know if they're Christians and all the lyrics don't make perfect sense, but the gist of it is pretty awesome. In fact, I find myself having to sing it in my head when I'm shopping and I start humming it when I feel the need to buy something I don't need. This beautiful song is called "Ill With Want". Unfortunately, it could have been written about me. Here are a few of the lyrics.

I am sick with wanting
And it's evil and it's daunting
How I let everything I cherish lay to waste
I am lost in greed this time, it's definitely me
I point fingers but there's no one there to blame
I need for something
No, let me break it down again
I need for something
But not more medicine

I am sick with wanting
And it's evil how it's got me
And everyday is worse than the one before
The more I have the more I think:
I'm almost where I need to be
If only I could get a little more
I need for something
Now let me break it down again
I need for something
But not more medicine
Something has me (Something has me)
Oh something has me (Something has me)
Acting like someone I don't wanna be
Something has me (Something has me)
Oh something has me (Something has me)
Acting like someone I know isn't me
Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed

Temporary is my time
Ain't nothin on this world that's mine
Except the will I found to carry on
Free is not your right to choose
It's answering what's asked of you
To give the love you find until it's gone

I need for something
Now let me break it down again
I need for something
But not more medicine
Something has me (Something has me)
Oh something has me (Something has me)
Acting like someone I don't wanna be
Something has me (Something has me)
Oh something has me (Something has me)
Acting like someone I know isn't me
Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed
Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed


Since all that greed talk is kind of vague, here's an example of what I really mean. First of all, it's easy for me to talk about my sin as a vague problem, which kinda means it doesn't really hurt anyone and it's not really a struggle and really I'm doing pretty well on my own and don't need any help. Ha ha ha. But the harder part is sharing the real problems, the deeper parts of my heart. And one thing I've learned this year is about sharing those deep, dark places... I've learned that, although I really don't want to share such things because I just want people to like me and think I'm doing a "good job"... confessing sin brings healing. So here's my example.


I have a great car. It's got almost 200,000 miles on it (had about 100k when we got it) and although I'm afraid every imaginable type of liquid has been spilled inside it, it's never given me a problem and it's been great. Had it almost four years. It's an SUV that technically seats 7, although the back seat usually stays folded down to make room for groceries, and really only kiddos can sit in the back row because their legs are nice and short.

Well, I planned on keeping this lovely car a long time, but here lately I've started thinking about the inconveniences of having to wait for kids to climb over the seats to get to the back (heaven forbid I might have to stand there and wait and extra 20 seconds), and the general cramped feel of it when we have the seats full (no room for a stroller), the fact that they sometimes bang things while opening the doors, etc... and I started to dream about the lovely conveniences of a minivan.. especially in light of baby #4 coming in 5-ish months. I started to kind of nag Casey about it and I began thinking about it a lot... and so it was that the plan of purchasing a used minivan came to occupy way too many of my thoughts.

Now, it'd be one thing if my humble plan was to sell my car and then spend that money or at least a similar amount on a used minivan. But my spoiled and snobby self (ugh, I don't like to think of myself as snobby, but read on and you'll see) couldn't settle for just any minivan. I didn't want an American made one... in fact, the only one I thought was "pretty" enough just happens to be the MOST expensive kind and the one that doesn't seem lose its value at ALL except for miles put on it, so buying a used one is easily double the price of a similar American made van. Ok, not that there's anything wrong with buying a well-made, long-lasting Honda Odyssey. But because my current car (although it's kinda old) has leather seats and a GPS/backup camera, why should I have to stoop and buy an Odyssey without those things? Aren't we supposed to be "moving up" with every purchase here, people? Well, that's the way my silly mind and heart work.

So I finally talked Casey into just going with me to the Honda dealership, not to buy anything but so that I could actually climb into one of these coveted minivans that I'd only ever seen photos of. We had a great time. We test drove a beauty of an Odyssey (it was 2 years old... way newer than we really planned on buying) and oohed and ahhed over all the fun and convenient little features (like the built in fridge, trash bag, DVD player, and how the seats can fold flat into the ground as if they were never even there). So it sure was fun, but this van cost way more than we ever planned on spending on any car, ever. We went to get some dinner afterwards and talked it all over and it hit me so clearly how silly I had been. I have a car that runs perfectly, that holds all my babies, that even has extra fancy features that NOBODY NEEDS. And yet I had convinced myself that it would be a good idea to sell it and spend that money (times at least 2) to buy something else.

And again, it's not that there's something wrong with getting a minivan. Or more specifically, a Honda Odyssey Touring Edition. But in my case, right now, for my heart... it's just greed. It's me wanting something nicer because something nicer and more convenient and more suited to my pampered life is available. Sure, maybe sometime after the new baby comes we'll decide it's a good time to get one. But now I know that I certainly don't NEED it. Not even close.

Plus, I always said I had to be 30 before I was old enough to have a minivan, and that doesn't happen for another year. :)